In Real Life

The very first time Michael and I went out alone (together) after Eric was born was to see a movie.

I cried through the entire thing.

Michael thought I was really touched by the subject of the film.

When it was over, I sobbed, "I hated it. What a terrible, terrible movie."

The movie brought out every possible feeling and emotion that I'd been feeling over the last 3 or 4 months (I don't remember the date exactly).  I felt relief, anger, sadness, joy, regret, peace, fear... everything. 

I related strangely to the main character and couldn't figure out why.

For the first time in nearly a year, I was alone without my baby (including pregnancy).

And it was overwhelming.

I've since fallen in love with that movie and I enjoy seeing every minute of it. 

We're going to sit down and watch it again tonight (I bought the disk).

"Dan In Real Life."

I can't wait to see it.

Pictures to End the Day

Writing Out Loud

I look back at the lack of blog entries and I wonder if I stopped writing because I felt better or because I felt worse. Then I realized, I've been writing, but out loud. I've been in therapy this whole time. 

So there it is. 

It seems that as long as something is "out" I feel better and can move on. But in looking back over all I haven't written here, I realize I really want to write- er, type.

It's two days before Christmas. Tonight is the third night of Hanukkah, the holiday we celebrate in our home.  I have family who are Christian and we will be going to Christmas Eve dinner with some and then to another Christmas get-together on Saturday. I'm finding myself getting caught up in the craziness of the season without even being a Christian! This was the thing I left behind when I became a Jew. It was the thing I was happy to let go of- the yearly madness of this season. Now, I'm stressing over who's getting what and how much to bake for people. Eesh.

But this isn't what I wanted to write about today. I wanted to talk about Eric. What a fantastic boy he is. He has been learning so much and growing like a weed. He is just a wonder. He has done so many new things since I last posted- and even before the last post: I'd forgotten to write things down!

Eric started walking. Everywhere. Nonstop.

He's having a blast.

He's imitating Michael and me more and more. 

And I can't get over how much he understands:

If I tell him it's time for breakfast, he runs over to his booster seat. Same with lunch and dinner.

He knows so many different objects- his ball, the baby doll, his bottle, books, toys (in general).

He knows to go look for Daddy if we've been awake and it's time to wake up Michael. And vice-versa. Eric gets so excited when he sees us in the morning and when one of us comes home after being out for awhile.

And he remains such a sweetheart. He gives spontaneous hugs. He kisses. And his nature is still so sweet. I'm enthralled by him.

I feel so refreshed lately. Happy and calm. Sure, I have moments of wanting to lose my mind, but every day has been a gift. I am so lucky to have Eric and Michael. I feel so loved and treasured. 

And I know I have the two loves and treasures of my life right beside me.

A New Year

I can't believe it has been MONTHS since I last put in an entry! Did the blues get that bad?

Since August here's what's happened:

• started therapy
• started an antidepressant
• took Eric to his NYPL summer reading program party
• had a great Labor Day weekend in the City
• visited parents in VA
• went to the National Holocaust Memorial Museum
• celebrated Eric's first birthday
• threw a big birthday bash for Eric
• celebrated Rosh HaShana
• agonized through all three Sorkins having colds at the same time
• fasted on Yom Kippur
• marveled at Eric finally crawling on all fours
• celebrated Sukkot
• missed Simchat Torah because we were exhausted
• welcomed the arrival of fall (my favorite thing)
• put Eric in a leopard costume for Halloween
• took Eric to his first Halloween party
• watched Eric take some steps on a Thursday night and then watched him "really go" at synagogue the next Saturday
• made plans to "kasher" our kitchen... we are going kosher!
• had some long-distance friends and family over
• celebrated a brand-new start for our country

And I guess that's it. We're already in November. NOVEMBER.

Holy smokes. I can't believe it.

It's been a chock-full two and a half months. And it hasn't all been that easy.

I've felt an acute loneliness that hasn't been around in awhile. I miss my friends. My single friends. I'd love a phone call from more than one of them. I'd love one of them to invite me out to something. Just something. Even if I had to say no, I'd still love the invitation. I feel a little sad, too, with Michael's best friend having disappeared from our lives. I know it's "different for men," but I'd still like to see him with a faithful near-by friend.

It's been weirdly hard to make new friends. I wish I could put my finger on it, but it's like being in high school all over again. Trying to make friends- long-lasting friendships- hasn't been the easy thing I thought it would be. And I just have to leave it at that.

Just keep trying....

Baby Equals B-Listed

"Having a baby changes everything" is a popular slogan from a well-known medical company.

How true that statement is. I "knew" that going into pregnancy, but I didn't really know it until I became a mom. A lot of those changes were easy to swallow- some were hard, and some are still hard. The most difficult change to accept, and the one I really couldn't imagine even occurring was the change in friendships.

Sure, I knew I'd have fewer opportunities to go out with my girlfriends and on some occasions I'd have baby in tow, but I didn't expect to feel like I got B-listed. Equally as bad is seeing it happen to my husband.

The diminishing phone calls, the forgotten invites, the unheard-of get-togethers, the list goes on. What hurts the most is knowing that I haven't even been thought of.

I feel like I have to almost beg my old friends to go out with me (alone- not with the baby even!) I can't remember the last time I got invited out- usually I'm the one who sets up a "girls' night out."

I turned 40 this year. I sent out a clever invitation to my friends- new and "old." Only one out of my three closest BFFs even responded. One complained, "Why does it have to be that night? I have a meeting." Another never even acknowledged the invitation. A fair number of my newer (mom) friends couldn't do it due to husbands working late, childcare needs, etc. I ended up cancelling. Not having that party hurt so much, yet it was too painful to think about holding it with so many people unavailable and my best friends seemingly off the radar.

I hear about one friend's news through another. I hear about tickets to events after they've been purchased. I see a friend of my husband's pictures from multiple "outings" that he's never been invited to. Pictures from a friend who is constantly too busy to visit or "never make(s)plans."

So in a year of less sleep, impossible changes, incredible happiness, dreams come true and more "work" than I ever could have imagined- in a year when I've needed and wanted my friends more than ever, I've never felt more alone.

Never felt more B-listed.

Be Kind to All You Meet...

I've been reading the most bittersweet blog over the last 2 months. It's written by a man named Matt, who, in the blink of an eye, became a single father.

His wife died barely 24 hours after giving birth to their daughter. Liz only saw their daughter Madeline once- immediately after delivery. Both mother and baby were too sick to be together during those first 24 hours.

On Liz's way to see Madeline in the NICU, she collapsed and couldn't be revived.

Heartbreaking.

Matt's blog chronicles life with Madeline without Liz. Unimagineable.

But what makes me write about this blog now is an entry I just read a few minutes ago. Matt relates the story of traveling with Madeline outside of the US for the first time and the people he's encountered along the way. Basically, he ran into some less-than-kind employees at the airport: People who sent him the wrong way, gave the wrong information, were less than helpful (in a nutshell). Read it here.

Without going into all the detail, I just wonder if they'd known about Matt's life, would they have taken an extra minute to help him? Would they have been just a little more patient?

The thing is, they didn't know- nor could they have known. And that brings me to my point:

"Be kind to all you meet, for everyone is fighting a great battle."

I don't know who first said this- I read it years ago in a Buddhist book. It stuck with me.

We don't know the garbage people are dealing with on the inside. We don't know what battle(s) they may be fighting. So why not make life easier on each other? Why do we rage at people who try our patience? Why do we "lose it" over the smallest infraction (perceived or actual)? And all this anger and impatience and unkindness does nothing for ourselves- it makes us angrier and more impatient and more unkind.

Life is hard enough. Why can't we make it easier on each other?

Unemployed

I finally quit my job today.

For real.

By proxy- sort of. Michael delivered the letter to my old boss.

I'd gone in a week and a half ago, ready (or not so ready) to resign. I saw my boss and he asked, "Why not think about doing per diem?" It made me pause.
He wouldn't take my letter at that moment- he wanted me to think about it.

I thought about it. And thought about it.
In the end, I couldn't do it. Something about 12-hour shifts and being away from home for 14 hours at a time....
Nah.

When I go back to work, I'll make my own hours. And my day will start at the reasonable hour of 9, not 7, AM.

So here I am- unemployed. A little sad, yes. When Michael stopped by, he saw some of my old coworkers. He gave me messages from them. I'm sad about that. For all the drama there, it was a fine group of nurses- a big part of my life for 1.5 years. Heh, now that's gone. Weird. In the big picture, that's not much, but it's still a loss. I think I was ready this time. 1.5 weeks ago I wasn't. (Ready.)

But focusing on the great things- ah!! That beautiful baby I've been home with- new friends- a new life- and having a career that I really can go back to. All that is really, really great. I wouldn't trade any of it.

Ever.
Especially the boy....