I went into work today to quit.
I didn't. Quit, that is.
"Why not go per diem?" asked my boss.
"Why not think this over?" asked I.
Why not? One day commitment every three months.
Huh. Can't say the $ would be a bad thing.
I'm tired tonight....
Just exhausted.
When do I catch up on sleep?
And I'm thinking about work?
lol
Really. lol
And I thought I had it aaalllll figured out.
Eric was his most charming self today. Just the cutest.
We went to see Aunt Christine this afternoon. Earlier, we had a walk with one of his friends.
This afternoon, I brought him to work to see Daddy and then go to my old place of torture. Ahem, employment.
Everyone went nuts over Eric. That is such a cool feeling.
We came home and had some great Chinese food.
After Eric went to bed, I cleaned up- in more ways than one.
I cleaned the apartment and got a haircut.
Ahhh, bliss.
Both things.
And now it's bedtime. Can't wait!!
06 August, 2008
04 August, 2008
Time? Time.
I can't believe that my last post was in March.
March!
Weird. I kind of lost my groove.
It's back. The groove, I mean.
Summer is almost over. Summer in the school-year sense. Now, *that* is freaky. Eric is going to be a year in September.
Whoa.
I've been home for almost a year. I can't imagine going back yet. Yet, it's funny and it's somewhat of a loss. I'm ready to quit. I'm quitting. This week. [deep breath in] It'll be the first time in my adult life that I've been unemployed. It feels so strange.
I can't imagine going back to work this year, though. Does that mean it's going to be twice as hard as it is now to go back next year? The thought is scary.
I don't know what to do next.... Do I look now for daycare in the fall of 2009? Do I get a babysitter then? Oy. Always looking ahead. Can't I just be in the moment all the time?
I've been reading a very- what? A very bittersweet blog lately. It's totally touched my heart.
http://www.mattlogelin.com/
My heart goes out to Matt and Madeline. I can't imagine....
Leaves me breathless.
I'm leaving you with some pictures of Eric- catching up on the last few months...
...er, well, maybe not. Seems Blogger is having some issues. I'll try again later. Cheers!
March!
Weird. I kind of lost my groove.
It's back. The groove, I mean.
Summer is almost over. Summer in the school-year sense. Now, *that* is freaky. Eric is going to be a year in September.
Whoa.
I've been home for almost a year. I can't imagine going back yet. Yet, it's funny and it's somewhat of a loss. I'm ready to quit. I'm quitting. This week. [deep breath in] It'll be the first time in my adult life that I've been unemployed. It feels so strange.
I can't imagine going back to work this year, though. Does that mean it's going to be twice as hard as it is now to go back next year? The thought is scary.
I don't know what to do next.... Do I look now for daycare in the fall of 2009? Do I get a babysitter then? Oy. Always looking ahead. Can't I just be in the moment all the time?
I've been reading a very- what? A very bittersweet blog lately. It's totally touched my heart.
http://www.mattlogelin.com/
My heart goes out to Matt and Madeline. I can't imagine....
Leaves me breathless.
I'm leaving you with some pictures of Eric- catching up on the last few months...
...er, well, maybe not. Seems Blogger is having some issues. I'll try again later. Cheers!
25 March, 2008
It's All About Me
Motherhood brings up a lot of- stuff. Just stuff. Feelings, memories, questions, doubts, and more feelings. Something that's come up for me has been feelings about myself. Yes, myself. Don't get me wrong- I have a ton of feelings about being a mother and motherhood in general (it's great, it's hard, it's lonely, it's made me very happy, it's sad-- the whole gamut). But I've been dealing with my own memories and feelings about being younger (a child or teenager) and I've learned so much.
What I remember most about being a teenager is never really feeling good about myself or feeling confident that others liked me. I always felt like something was wrong with me- not thin enough stands out the most. What makes me bring this up now is that over the weekend, I found my freshman-year high school yearbook at my parents' house and I actually dared to look for pictures of myself. I knew there were a bunch- I was pretty involved that year.
I was amazed at what I found. I found pictures of the girl I always thought was fat- the one who was on a crazy liquid diet at one point to lose weight. The girl who rarely felt good about herself- who hated seeing pictures of herself and being reminded of how un-cool she was.
I found that girl, but I couldn't see why she thought she was fat. OK- maybe not the most skinny girl. But I wasn't tall, either, and I wasn't fat by any means. Stupid haircut and definitely not the one for her face (which was round, not fat), but not fat. Why oh why did I think that? And why did I waste so much time feeling like I wasn't good enough?
Just as important, why do I still think that now? Why do I frequently feel like I am not good enough? I have a husband who adores me, tells me I'm beautiful and loves me just the way I am. I have a beautiful baby with whom I get to stay home.
No matter what the reason, I decided then and there that enough was enough and I was stopping the ridiculousness. I learned that I have a distorted view of myself and can let it go. I feel sorry for that girl in high school. There was nothing wrong with me. I had some good friends and I have some great memories made with those friends. Yeah, there were some messed-up things along the way (who goes on a liquid diet for 10 pounds?) but I refuse to let those things define me any longer.
I can't go back and redo the past (who wouldn't want to go back to high school and have a do-over?) but I can look back with different eyes and live today as a new person.
What I remember most about being a teenager is never really feeling good about myself or feeling confident that others liked me. I always felt like something was wrong with me- not thin enough stands out the most. What makes me bring this up now is that over the weekend, I found my freshman-year high school yearbook at my parents' house and I actually dared to look for pictures of myself. I knew there were a bunch- I was pretty involved that year.
I was amazed at what I found. I found pictures of the girl I always thought was fat- the one who was on a crazy liquid diet at one point to lose weight. The girl who rarely felt good about herself- who hated seeing pictures of herself and being reminded of how un-cool she was.
I found that girl, but I couldn't see why she thought she was fat. OK- maybe not the most skinny girl. But I wasn't tall, either, and I wasn't fat by any means. Stupid haircut and definitely not the one for her face (which was round, not fat), but not fat. Why oh why did I think that? And why did I waste so much time feeling like I wasn't good enough?
Just as important, why do I still think that now? Why do I frequently feel like I am not good enough? I have a husband who adores me, tells me I'm beautiful and loves me just the way I am. I have a beautiful baby with whom I get to stay home.
No matter what the reason, I decided then and there that enough was enough and I was stopping the ridiculousness. I learned that I have a distorted view of myself and can let it go. I feel sorry for that girl in high school. There was nothing wrong with me. I had some good friends and I have some great memories made with those friends. Yeah, there were some messed-up things along the way (who goes on a liquid diet for 10 pounds?) but I refuse to let those things define me any longer.
I can't go back and redo the past (who wouldn't want to go back to high school and have a do-over?) but I can look back with different eyes and live today as a new person.
13 March, 2008
Girlfriends
I wasn't the first of my friends to get married, and I'm not the last, either. Handfuls of friends got married while I was in my 20's and early 30's and then things kind of slowed in that area. At this point, though, I am the only one out of my circle of girlfriends who's married.
Somewhere along the way, friends who got married moved away or got busy being married. I lost touch with them- some purposely since it was too hard being the only one to call and feeling like I was intruding when I did. None of them ever seemed to have time to go out with their single- or married- girlfriends any longer unless it was some kind of weird "double date" or couples thing. And that was always weird if I wasn't dating someone seriously and had just a "casual" date or a friend with me.
I couldn't figure that out- what was the deal with these chicks when they up and got married? Sheesh! It felt like some of them disappeared when they got engaged. I didn't get the disappearing act- and I sure wasn't going to buy it when I finally got married, I told myself.
Let me put it this way: I. Need. My. Friends. My girlfriends. I need 'em.
Don't get me wrong. Michael became my best friend sometime while we were dating. He is still my best friend. I need him and couldn't live without him. But I need my girlfriends just as much, even if it seems like my life is "too busy" with a husband, and now, a baby. I need them to hang out with, to talk about nothing with, to not talk about the baby with (aw, man, lots of dangling participles- screw it!), to laugh with, cry with- and, well, you get the point.
And for anyone who thinks that moms need only "mom friends," think again. My single friends, I love hearing about your impulse buys- that fabulous bag, the must-have shoes. Tell me again how your date was? And about that fantastic new restaurant? And how much did you spend on those clothes? Ah, let me live vicariously in your carefree-ness!
I love you, my friends. You mean the world to me. And you make up a huge part of it. Don't ever think otherwise.
Somewhere along the way, friends who got married moved away or got busy being married. I lost touch with them- some purposely since it was too hard being the only one to call and feeling like I was intruding when I did. None of them ever seemed to have time to go out with their single- or married- girlfriends any longer unless it was some kind of weird "double date" or couples thing. And that was always weird if I wasn't dating someone seriously and had just a "casual" date or a friend with me.
I couldn't figure that out- what was the deal with these chicks when they up and got married? Sheesh! It felt like some of them disappeared when they got engaged. I didn't get the disappearing act- and I sure wasn't going to buy it when I finally got married, I told myself.
Let me put it this way: I. Need. My. Friends. My girlfriends. I need 'em.
Don't get me wrong. Michael became my best friend sometime while we were dating. He is still my best friend. I need him and couldn't live without him. But I need my girlfriends just as much, even if it seems like my life is "too busy" with a husband, and now, a baby. I need them to hang out with, to talk about nothing with, to not talk about the baby with (aw, man, lots of dangling participles- screw it!), to laugh with, cry with- and, well, you get the point.
And for anyone who thinks that moms need only "mom friends," think again. My single friends, I love hearing about your impulse buys- that fabulous bag, the must-have shoes. Tell me again how your date was? And about that fantastic new restaurant? And how much did you spend on those clothes? Ah, let me live vicariously in your carefree-ness!
I love you, my friends. You mean the world to me. And you make up a huge part of it. Don't ever think otherwise.
12 March, 2008
Disappointment
What an incredible shock the other day....
I was talking to my friend, Erica, and she asked if I'd heard about our governor. I hadn't, so she told me he was resigning and it was amidst allegations of ties to prostitution. I was dumbstruck. To say the least.
As it was, he wasn't resigning, but with his wife by his side, he admitted to "failings" and ''wrongdoings" etc, etc. I can't begin to describe the disappointment I feel. I was taken for a fool.
And I sure feel like one.
Mr. Spitzer showed incredible promise. He was exciting to watch as the NYS Attorney General. All I could think was, "Get those corrupt guys!" When he ran for governor, Michael and I were excited by the prospect of "Bringing passion back to Albany." It was a new dawn, a new era. It gave us some hope in the dark years of the Bush administration. Spitzer was elected by a landslide. So much so that I almost felt sorry for his opponent.
So, Spitzer was inaugurated. The first year came. And went. [chirp, chirp, chirp]
Uh, hello? Anything going on up there? In Albany, I mean? I'm not feeling any "passion" here- I'm not seeing things getting done. I hear more about Governor Corzine in NJ than I do about Governor Spitzer. Now we know what was going on... and man, has it left me discouraged.
Discouraged to the point of looking at my favorite presidential candidate with great skepticism. Looking at every politician with great skepticism. After all, they are politicians. I can't even watch TV. I'm usually a news junkie- I love checking in on MSNBC (especially Morning Joe) or catching up locally with NY1 News. But today, it's all making me sick. And angry. And completely apathetic about the upcoming presidential election. There truly doesn't seem to be any good being done by anyone in politics. Everyone is out for themselves and for more money.
Most recently it was reported that there are traceable amounts of drugs in water supplies across America. Why is that okay? And why did that even happen? What is going on here? It makes me so angry, I can't even get together my thoughts about it. And why is the middle class struggling so much? Why are the wealthy just getting richer and richer and richer? And why is it, that if a couple make over $100,000 they aren't considered middle class? In NYC, that isn't much at all. At. All. It's all too discouraging to think about.
I hope things turn around. I have to hope they will, because who can live with such disappointment day after day and not have hope? It has to get better. I hope that David Paterson can be a successful governor- that he will passionately lead this state to better things. I hope that CEOs who run their companies into the ground will stop getting $100 million bonuses when they're "let go." I hope that the middle class will stop bearing the brunt of the poor and wealthy. I hope someone truly good ends up in the White House. I hope the world will be a better place for my son. Starting now.
I was talking to my friend, Erica, and she asked if I'd heard about our governor. I hadn't, so she told me he was resigning and it was amidst allegations of ties to prostitution. I was dumbstruck. To say the least.
As it was, he wasn't resigning, but with his wife by his side, he admitted to "failings" and ''wrongdoings" etc, etc. I can't begin to describe the disappointment I feel. I was taken for a fool.
And I sure feel like one.
Mr. Spitzer showed incredible promise. He was exciting to watch as the NYS Attorney General. All I could think was, "Get those corrupt guys!" When he ran for governor, Michael and I were excited by the prospect of "Bringing passion back to Albany." It was a new dawn, a new era. It gave us some hope in the dark years of the Bush administration. Spitzer was elected by a landslide. So much so that I almost felt sorry for his opponent.
So, Spitzer was inaugurated. The first year came. And went. [chirp, chirp, chirp]
Uh, hello? Anything going on up there? In Albany, I mean? I'm not feeling any "passion" here- I'm not seeing things getting done. I hear more about Governor Corzine in NJ than I do about Governor Spitzer. Now we know what was going on... and man, has it left me discouraged.
Discouraged to the point of looking at my favorite presidential candidate with great skepticism. Looking at every politician with great skepticism. After all, they are politicians. I can't even watch TV. I'm usually a news junkie- I love checking in on MSNBC (especially Morning Joe) or catching up locally with NY1 News. But today, it's all making me sick. And angry. And completely apathetic about the upcoming presidential election. There truly doesn't seem to be any good being done by anyone in politics. Everyone is out for themselves and for more money.
Most recently it was reported that there are traceable amounts of drugs in water supplies across America. Why is that okay? And why did that even happen? What is going on here? It makes me so angry, I can't even get together my thoughts about it. And why is the middle class struggling so much? Why are the wealthy just getting richer and richer and richer? And why is it, that if a couple make over $100,000 they aren't considered middle class? In NYC, that isn't much at all. At. All. It's all too discouraging to think about.
I hope things turn around. I have to hope they will, because who can live with such disappointment day after day and not have hope? It has to get better. I hope that David Paterson can be a successful governor- that he will passionately lead this state to better things. I hope that CEOs who run their companies into the ground will stop getting $100 million bonuses when they're "let go." I hope that the middle class will stop bearing the brunt of the poor and wealthy. I hope someone truly good ends up in the White House. I hope the world will be a better place for my son. Starting now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)