Motherhood brings up a lot of- stuff. Just stuff. Feelings, memories, questions, doubts, and more feelings. Something that's come up for me has been feelings about myself. Yes, myself. Don't get me wrong- I have a ton of feelings about being a mother and motherhood in general (it's great, it's hard, it's lonely, it's made me very happy, it's sad-- the whole gamut). But I've been dealing with my own memories and feelings about being younger (a child or teenager) and I've learned so much.
What I remember most about being a teenager is never really feeling good about myself or feeling confident that others liked me. I always felt like something was wrong with me- not thin enough stands out the most. What makes me bring this up now is that over the weekend, I found my freshman-year high school yearbook at my parents' house and I actually dared to look for pictures of myself. I knew there were a bunch- I was pretty involved that year.
I was amazed at what I found. I found pictures of the girl I always thought was fat- the one who was on a crazy liquid diet at one point to lose weight. The girl who rarely felt good about herself- who hated seeing pictures of herself and being reminded of how un-cool she was.
I found that girl, but I couldn't see why she thought she was fat. OK- maybe not the most skinny girl. But I wasn't tall, either, and I wasn't fat by any means. Stupid haircut and definitely not the one for her face (which was round, not fat), but not fat. Why oh why did I think that? And why did I waste so much time feeling like I wasn't good enough?
Just as important, why do I still think that now? Why do I frequently feel like I am not good enough? I have a husband who adores me, tells me I'm beautiful and loves me just the way I am. I have a beautiful baby with whom I get to stay home.
No matter what the reason, I decided then and there that enough was enough and I was stopping the ridiculousness. I learned that I have a distorted view of myself and can let it go. I feel sorry for that girl in high school. There was nothing wrong with me. I had some good friends and I have some great memories made with those friends. Yeah, there were some messed-up things along the way (who goes on a liquid diet for 10 pounds?) but I refuse to let those things define me any longer.
I can't go back and redo the past (who wouldn't want to go back to high school and have a do-over?) but I can look back with different eyes and live today as a new person.
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