Well, it was "baby's first" cold yesterday. Started Thursday, made Thursday night miserable and Friday mildly unbearable. We like to go OUT! We did go out, actually- to the doctor. Eric thankfully was fine- just a bad cold.
I say "fine" because no ear infection, no throat infection, no bronchitis or pneumonia. Whew. A cold we can deal with easily. Except for the staying indoors part. That's where it gets tricky for momma. I couldn't wait for Michael to get home and take over for a short time so I could go out and get a vaporizer for Eric's room!
I remember when a big trip out for me consisted of an afternoon at Macy's with lunch somewhere along the way. And when going out on a Friday evening was to dinner or drinks with friends. Or, after meeting Michael, Friday was usually the start of a great weekend together.
That's one of the big adjustments related to being a new mom. I sincerely looked forward to going out and taking care of Eric- I wasn't going to let him go a single minute of the night without something he needed. But boy oh boy, there are times I really really miss being "free" to do whatever I feel like.
Right before Eric was born, two of my closest friends went to the US Open. It was something we all might have done together at one point in our lives. The trip to the Open was followed up by a long weekend at the Jersey Shore- something else I'd have loved and joined in on. A few days after I heard about their plans, I completely broke down knowing that my life was forever changed- and Eric wasn't even "here" yet! I felt torn; I felt guilty; I even felt angry. My life, I feared- and felt- was over.
I was right, on a couple of counts. I was ending a life of just me and Michael and a life of just me and what I wanted. But something else was beginning, and I was able to grasp that. A new purpose, a new life was being put into my hands. That was incredible to think about. My life wasn't ending- it was changing. But sometimes it's hard to keep holding on to that. I think that's normal, though. After all, I lived my entire life for myself- nearly 40 years, and suddenly that all changed completely.
It's been a hard couple of days. I love taking care of Eric- and when he's sick, the "nurse" part of me feels like I can really "fix" him up. But every now and then I feel frustrated that I'm so far out of the picture. Someone said to me recently that now is the time to take care of myself- you know, the first few months after giving birth. All I could think was, "I've never felt so far away from first in my entire life. How do I do that?"
How do I?
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